(video below)
What is a voice? How can it be used? Expressed?
I have reflected a lot on these ideas over the past ten years. More so over the past three. I spent 2017-2019 creating and releasing content. And then in 2020 it felt like an appropriate time to pause. Creating. Quietly. Not releasing. I needed to better anchor why I was doing what I was doing.
Too much was for the likes and the loves. I needed to get my likes and my loves grounded. I needed to see clearer in the direction of those things that I loved. Would I keep creating if not many people were paying attention?
Much time was spent during the Spring of 2020 until present day. Just writing. For me.
In my studio.
By the lake.
Sitting on the forest floor.
Studying life. Film. Music. Nature. Humans.
Voice.
I’ve witnessed myself use my own voice in terrible and unsavoury ways. Hurtful ways.
I have used my voice for delight, and beauty and love.
I have censored my voice. Withdrawn it. Stopped believing in it at times.
But that won’t do. Not with two young girls staring back at me from across the dinner table.
At one point, when I had a radio show at Queen’s University, my girls heard my voice on the radio one day and asked:
“Are you famous?”
Ha, no my lovelies. Not even close.
Working at the radio station was a great learning experience. I became acquainted for the first time with audio recording and editing. I was producing my entire show from home at one point.
(Audacity, free audio editing software)
Eventually some of my shows were added to the CFRC Podcast Network. I loved creating the show, interviewing guests, and featuring music and artists.
And then again, at the dinner table, my oldest daughter who was 8 at the time, said, “Fame is where people go to get lost.”
I was stunned.
I’m not sure where this came from, or why she felt compelled to say it. But I knew, deep down, I needed to hear it.
I’m a pisces. A dreamer. I can get lost in my own self, for goodness sake, never mind the big beautiful world. How are we to manage fame? Some can do it. It’s like they are destined, either for all the right reasons, or perhaps all the wrong ones.
But the allure can be so irresistible sometimes. To be loved. Admired. Valued. To feel special. Above and beyond others. Supernatural.
But so much of it can bring emptiness. Loneliness. A displacement of values.
I knew a part of me was drawn to that…idea. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Perhaps for the wrong reasons.
My daughter’s words would continue to echo in my consciousness.
Then when I was releasing music, my girls would say, “We don’t want you to be famous.”
All of this sidesteps the reality of whether I could excel at anything in such a way as to be rendered famous. Ha. No, it was as if God was working through my kids to ground my inner self in a way that might not have happened otherwise. Pisces. Eternal dreamer.
Several years ago Mary ventured out one evening to a Rabble singing thing downtown Kingston. Within a few short years of that chance encounter, she would dive in and go on to become President of the Board for Open Voices Community Choir, led by Artistic Director Andy Rush.
(Open Voices Concert, Isabel Bader Theatre, May 2019)
Voice.
Many voices.
Over 100 voices - singing, learning, spreading joy.
Within a few years of that, I would go on to join Open Voices as well. It has been a wonderful experience.
Sometimes it can feel like we have a 100 voices in our heads. Sometimes this may just be a frantic busy day called modern life. Other times - mental illness, depression, hopelessness.
I’ve held hands with all of it. Learned so much. Lost so much. Gained so much.
When I recently met with Andy to discuss some plans he has for the next 18 months in regards to the choir, I asked him why he chose to form the choir. He could have enjoyed music without creating such a large community-based endeavour, which has taken a tremendous amount of work.
His response was fruitful and varied, but one main theme was his love of 4-part choral music.
Sopranos.
Altos.
Tenors.
Basses.
The beautiful sounds.
(I had to include a picture with Mary’s eyes open)
Finding your voice, experimenting with it, strengthening it, using it wisely and responsibly. Using your voice doesn’t always mean speaking.
Sometimes it means shouting.
Singing.
Laughing.
Crying.
Whispering.
Affirming.
Bridge-building.
Or just observing.
(Bay of Quinte)
If our wounds never heal, our voice will never mature. And so, we may just continue to sow chaos out into the world.
Forgive yourself. Forgive the ones you hate. So important. Sometimes these things can take decades.
My girls, in certain ways, are shy. We continue to work with them to find their voice, to strengthen it, to use it. Not be afraid of it.
It’s the most powerful thing you control.
Use it for beauty. And love. And expression. Experiment with it. Test its power. If you misuse it, apologize.
One day my stepdad sent me a quote that went something like, ‘art doesn’t make mistakes’.
This has added a layer of freedom to my creations. To take chances, risks with imperfection, that I might have otherwise not taken.
I love contrast. Sound. Nuance.
A few days ago I became inspired by a project concept. I set to work in my studio recording myself singing Can’t Help Falling In Love in several different ways.
I then layered the tracks to create a chorus of what might affectionately be referred to as the many voices within my head. Maybe my heart too.
I added no effects or tuning. Just raw expression.
Each original recording (perhaps a dozen), some sang quieter, some more intensely, and variations in between.
I hope you like it. But it’s okay if you don’t too.
I’m finally more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve learned that I can still love me even if others don’t.
Emotional freedom.
Only Love,
FG